The 6 Fundamental Steps for Supporting a Postpartum Mom
The struggle is real when it comes to supporting a postpartum mom that just welcomed a new addition to the family.
We may be well-intentioned, and we may think we know what is best, but it is so important that we implement the steps below and use them as a guide to provide the best support we are capable of.
I want every mother to thrive in their postpartum journey, I know you do too, and I hope this can help us grow in awareness and serve them to our best ability.
1. Listen
The first and most important thing you can do while supporting a mom is to listen. It is a universal necessity. It’s also one of the most commonly skipped steps.
She may need a moment to vent to you about the sensation of breastfeeding, how her back hurts a little when she bathes the baby, or the blow-up diaper she just had to clean up.
We often see a situation and want to help, but the last thing she needs is for you to share your opinion on how to prevent a blowout from happening again. She already knows she needs to try a different size diaper or secure it differently on the baby.
Unless she asks you for your help or opinion, regardless of how well-intentioned you may be, don’t offer her a solution. She’s got it. Just let her know you hear her and are here for her.
2. Know Your Role
If you are a husband, mom, sister, brother, grandma, aunt, friend, or whoever – remind yourself of who you are before you walk through the door.
Raise your awareness in this relationship. It may hurt, but don’t assume you are an integral part of this season of her life. This isn’t personal and it is temporary.
She may love and care for you deeply, but in this vulnerable and delicate season, she is going to have a select few people that she has openly communicated with and chosen to be by her side. It may be one person, it may be four, but if you aren’t getting those calls or texts, don’t take it personally – she may not want everyone around her as she struggles to breastfeed her little one, or while she’s still wearing adult diapers.
To those of you that are in her inner circle – accept your role!
If you can’t, communicate about it. Don’t leave her high and dry.
Give as much support as you can, always bring something like food, diapers (for baby or mom), wipes, or something she needs when you go over. Just ask her.
Offer to watch the baby so she can take a shower. Offer to do the dishes, fold the laundry, or mop the floor.
Supporting mom doesn’t just mean holding the baby, it means actually supporting mom the way she needs to be supported, not the way you want to support her.
Don’t wait for her to ask for something, offer it to her!
Moms need love, compassion, understanding, and respect. Whether this is her first child or 6th, she is growing and changing in this moment. The worst thing you can do while trying to support a postpartum mom is to assume that she doesn’t need anything.
3. Understand and Respect Boundaries
This ties back to knowing your role.
If you are an aunt that hasn’t been invited over. Do not come without asking.
If you are her mom and are going to pop in unannounced. Don’t!
If you are her husband and she disappeared to shower alone. Let her shower alone.
If she doesn’t want the baby around strangers. Don’t tell her she is being unreasonable.
If she asks you to wash your hands before you hold the baby. Wash. Your. Hands.
If she says not to kiss the baby… Seriously. Don’t kiss the baby.
She may be sleeping when you decide to pop in, she may not have the slightest desire to host anyone she doesn’t feel comfortable not wearing a bra in front of, or she may have had the need to be alone under running water when you decided to hop in with her. Communicate clearly with her.
The hormones moms experience during postpartum are nature’s driving force.
I’ll never forget coming home from the hospital and seeing a basket of strawberries on the counter that my mother-in-law left for us (with permission, of course).
My body was ravenous, my mouth watered, and I wasn’t satiated until I ate about 15 of them back to back. It was hunger I had never experienced before. But the point here is, mom is running on instinct. Sometimes the choice may not seem “rational” to you, but I assure you it is. “Mom brain” isn’t just compiled of the negativities that society has given it. It is your brain in overdrive, your senses heightened, and you are firing overtime on all cylinders to protect your baby.
Trust Mom’s instincts.
If you find yourself taking any of these boundaries personally, remember that this season isn’t about you. It is about her and her family.
4. Understand That You Don’t Understand
I know you are well-intentioned.
I know you are trying to do your best.
But even if you have 12 kids of your own, you did not have the same experience this mom did.
Each pregnancy, birth, and postpartum season are all unique and different from the other. If your pregnancy was super easy, it may not have been for the mom you are trying to support, and vice versa.
A huge issue that arises when trying to support a mom is projecting our experiences onto her. You could be remembering experiencing your own mother during her postpartum season with a sibling, or a friend that had a baby, but you will not understand in complete detail what she is going through just because you’ve “been there” or “seen that”.
Breastfeeding wasn’t going well for me, my cortisol was sky high and I wasn’t producing enough, but I remember being told consistently by one lady, “Just keep doing it, it’ll get better” – This may have been her experience, but it surely wasn’t mine.
In the end, taking that advice only made things worse, regardless of intention.
5. When in Doubt – Ask
Even if you have asked all the questions, don’t assume you know everything!
Don’t assume she needs a break from the baby. Don’t assume she has Postpartum Anxiety/Depression. Don’t assume she is going back to work. Don’t assume she is staying home. Don’t assume that she can’t handle this. Don’t assume she can handle this. Don’t assume that she and her husband will grow apart. Don’t assume that she is going to bounce right back.
It all comes down to one thing. Communication.
As part of her support system, your job is to give Mom a safe place to communicate her needs.
If she asks you to watch the baby while she showers, saying “Ugh, again?” is not going to make her feel supported.
If you aren’t sure what she needs, just ask her. No judgment, guilt, shame, or criticism.
The season of postpartum can be beautiful, or it can take a very negative turn. This is the ugly truth.
We need to cultivate safe places for moms to talk about things so we can increase the amount of beautiful postpartum seasons.
Questions like these –
“Would you like for me to wash the dishes?”
“Take the trash out? Fold some laundry?”
“Run out and grab dinner?”
“Do you need to talk?”
“Is recovery going well?”
“Are you overwhelmed?”
“What can I do to help?”
– are all great places to start.
A question you need to ask yourself and become familiar with:
“Would you like for me to leave?“
6. Follow Through
This applies to promises made before and after the baby arrived.
If you said you would help entertain the older children when the baby gets here, go do it. Ask her when she would like you to come over, or when you could take them to the park.
If you offered to bring a meal, ask her what she would like to eat and when an appropriate time would be to drop it off.
No matter what it is you offered to do, follow through. If Mom has changed her mind about taking you up on it, it isn’t personal, she just isn’t ready for what you have to offer and that is ok.
When she looks back at this experience, she is going to remember you and will be so grateful for all of the people that kept their word and offered their support.
I specialize in coaching women to thrive postpartum and in early motherhood.
If you are a postpartum mom, or are supporting one who is suffering through an excruciating postpartum experience, learn more at this link about how to take control of your life again and learn to thrive through life’s transitions. Don’t waste any more time living in chaos. You can also use this link to schedule a free session with me, a coach who specializes in the postpartum period.
If you think you may be experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional. Your life is beautiful and worth living.
Until next time,
Audye
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