You Can't Fix People - AG Coaching, LLC

My friend, if you’re anything like me, you’ve spent an ignorant amount of time trying to fix people. It could be a friend, family member, or someone you have no business trying to guide. Your instinct is to help them through whatever situation they find themselves in, problem-solve without being asked, and form borderline co-dependent relationships. They don’t know what to do without you constantly telling them, and you don’t know how to go about your day without constantly barking orders at someone.

Ouch.

The hardest part of my journey to quit “fixing” people has been finding where the line of support ends and the boundary of minding-my-own-damn-business begins. This line is the most difficult to find in these close relationships, the ones where you want to be there and support this person, but you’re often overshared with and left with an overwhelming feeling of obligation to fix things. It’s really difficult to look someone in the eyes who just dumped their entire life, which is currently a flaming pile of garbage, at your feet and tell them, “Sorry, not my problem!”

In all seriousness, how do you stop this cycle?

What is the appropriate thing to say to someone when you realize you are overinvolved and need to set a boundary?

Why is this an age-old story?

The only thing I’ve found to work (and believe me, I’ve tried many things) is to begin by assessing the relationship. Most co-dependent relationships are toxic, and I’d personally say they’re at even higher risk of toxicity if they are with someone you don’t currently live with. A huge red flag of a toxic relationship is to be dependent on someone you do not see every day. If you or your friend, parent, or other family member you don’t live with has become co-dependent, you can test it by the fruit this relationship produces. How does this person make you feel? Do you avoid this person? Do you resent this person? Can you make decisions without consulting this person? These questions are great indicators as you build your assessment of your relationships.

I’ve also given myself plenty of excuses to avoid setting boundaries and getting out of the co-dependent relationship I found myself in. I’d tell myself things like “They rely on me” or “They can’t do this without me” and my all-time favorite “They’ll be angry with me if I set this boundary“.

Yeah, these were my honest thoughts.

First, how selfish of me to think someone else isn’t capable of doing something without my opinion? Gross! And second, doing something out of fear of disappointing someone else, or the fear of being guilted, shamed, or hurt is not a reason to do something. It’s a protective reaction.

Why do we do this?

Before I began my coaching career, I don’t think I had really asked myself that question. As of now, I ask myself this constantly. It used to be a broad answer such as “I do this for God” or “I do this to go to Heaven“. Both of which are good things at their core. But when I busted open those sentences and got down to brass tacks, what did my response actually mean?

As I dove into this season of self-discovery, I expanded upon “I do this for God” and I was able to form true meaning behind it. “I do this to treat others with kindness“, “I do this to protect my family“, or “I do this because I was created to do it“.

The evolution of these thoughts bled into my actions. I soon realized that if I allowed myself to be all consumed with the life of someone else, I wasn’t “doing this for God” I was doing it for myself. I was doing it because it was a pattern I’d known my whole life.

As kids, most of us are told “Do your chores or I’ll be disappointed and there will be consequences“, but we aren’t taught why we are doing the chores. We aren’t taught the reason why the tidy room matters, just that if we are to disappoint our elders we should be completely and utterly ashamed. As a result, we create people pleasers. We become people who create and enforce their rules upon everyone or people who are incapable of creating rules for themselves and completely rely on the validation of others.

Moving Forward

We can’t “fix” others, but what we can do is “fix” ourselves. And when we say “fix”, I don’t think we really mean fix at all, I think we mean “heal“.

If you think about the people you look up to the most and the people you try to model your life after, they didn’t just gain this power overnight. You’ve known them or known of their lifestyle for a reasonable amount of time and you’ve discerned that they possess qualities you want. We all have this influence on someone, some more than others, but if we wish to help others heal we must do so ourselves first.

Friend, you are no exception to this. Who you are will touch more people than you can count, and you will never know who it is that is watching. Heal yourself first, and allow your presence to inspire others to heal with you.

Until next time,

Audye