“Offering It Up” Isn’t Enough: A Catholic Woman’s Guide to Real Healing
There’s nothing like struggling with a tough sin or painful relationship, reaching out to a priest, mentor, or catechist, and hearing, “Just keep offering it up” or “Keep praying about it; you can’t change them.“
I can’t tell you how many times I was given this advice as a teen and young adult while dealing with real narcissism and toxicity in most of my relationships. The dismissal made me feel like my problems weren’t real, that they didn’t matter, and that I had absolutely no control over how I was treated.
This left me feeling incredibly hopeless and questioning what God truly had planned for me. Was I supposed to suffer forever? Was this really what divine love looked like? I hoped not.
The idea of “offering it up” is about offering our sufferings (small or large) to God. We might do this for various intentions, such as for the souls in purgatory, the poor, the sick, or the suffering.
In theory, this is a beautiful practice and a key part of our Catholic calling. However, the problem that many—myself included—have run into with this approach is when all we’re told to do is keep “offering it up” without addressing the need for active steps toward change. The faith piece is there, but the work is missing.
Following this advice, I obediently returned to the same catechists and confessionals, hoping that my persistence would somehow bring peace in the face of mistreatment. If I just kept “offering it up” and praying more, surely that peace would eventually come, right?
Spoiler alert: It freakin’ didn’t.
What did happen was resentment. Following this advice alone actually pushed me away from the Catholic Church, led me into more toxic relationships (both with family, friendships and otherwise), and damaged my relationship with God.
I couldn’t understand why God didn’t grant me peace after I obediently did everything I was instructed to do.
Looking back now, more than a decade later, I see the flaws in this approach. I can identify where my mentors went wrong and how I lacked the resources to find better guidance. Offering it up alone is helpful for situations we can’t change (like stubbing your toe or catching a cold)—but not for real trauma, abuse, or damaging behavior. It must be combined with action.
So, friend, I’m here to give you the advice I never received, advice that could have drastically changed my life all those years ago.
Here Are 4 Signs That ‘Offering It Up’ Might Not Be What God Is Calling You To Do
#1 – Offering It Up Is Making You Resentful
If “offering it up” is increasing your anger or frustration, whether toward a person, the situation, or the person advising you, it may not be the solution. Resentment could mean that what’s needed isn’t more sacrifice—but a different approach.
#2 – Praying About It Isn’t Bringing You Peace
You’ve tried Mass, Scripture, rosaries, and every other form of prayer. Yet, instead of peace, you feel indifferent or frustrated. If praying about this issue feels more like a struggle than a relief, it may be time to take another path.
#3 – You Keep Getting the Same Advice, Over and Over
Maybe you’ve spoken with the same confessor or spiritual director, who continues to give you the same advice, and you don’t feel heard or understood. If you’re getting the same results without change, the strength of your prayer life may not be the issue.
#4 – The Situation Leaves You Anxious or Paralyzed in Your Faith
For me, forcing myself to “pray it away” created an aversion to prayer. Mass became a chore, my daily prayer life faded, and I felt trapped. If you’re experiencing this, it might be time to reach out to a coach, therapist, counselor, or a new spiritual guide who can help you find a way forward.
Your relationship with God should be a safe place to land, not a place of constant suffering.
God speaks to us through our pain, and He calls us to live life abundantly and joyfully. If you’re sitting in suffering that hasn’t changed, that could be a sign He is calling you to seek healing through the people He has gifted to support you here on earth.
If you find yourself feeling stuck and offering it up isn’t working, I urge you to click the link below to utilize the “Help! I Feel Stuck On My Healing Journey” worksheets I created. Each question is curated to open your mind to a deep awareness, and truly hear where God is calling you to find healing.
Until next time,
Audye
Are You Still Stuck?
If you are a woman who suffered narcissistic abuse or are in narcissistic abuse recovery but are stuck in the survival mode patterns you learned, get the 26-page digital workbook that helps you break those cycles for good.
