How I Realized I Was Living in Survival Mode
In my previous post What Living In Survival Mode is Like I talked about my experience of what living in survival mode was like. Today, I’m going to tell you about how I gained awareness of being there. Hindsight is 20/20, but the moments of realizing it were painful and difficult. I want to show you the hard stuff during the transition from living in survival mode to thriving in life.
My Relationships Died
The most significant survival mode symptom that I experienced was the depletion of my relationships, specifically with my husband.
He and I began our romance 5 years prior to my realization that I was living in survival mode. Our relationship was guided by God’s hand. 2 people at the right place and the right time. The likelihood of us meeting was practically none. The stars aligned for us. We’re soul mates.
We used to be able to work through our differences, talk, communicate, and do whatever needed to be done to heal anything broken in our relationship.
Or so I thought.
What was really happening was an illusion of things being fixed. I didn’t process my emotions, I couldn’t function, so I just swept it all under the rug. When things would get rough again, all of the emotions would come bubbling to the surface regardless of the fact that it was “behind me”. It never truly was, it stayed right inside me and ate me alive.
I realized I was stuck living in survival mode when my husband looked at me and said he didn’t recognize me anymore. This knocked me to my knees. I thought he was horrible for telling me this, but he saved me and our marriage by being honest.
I didn’t know who I was anymore, either. He helped me face this and figure out how to go forward.
I Was Stuck in The Past
Nothing in the present moment was comfortable anymore. I wanted to go back to the few times in life I romanticized being beautiful and perfect. But like I just mentioned before, it was an illusion, I was just as miserable then as I was now.
Alcohol, TV, friends, video games, and all other distractions lost their pleasure. Nothing numbed the negative feelings anymore. There wasn’t anything physical or mental that I could do that would take my mind to a better place.
I wasted so much time dreaming about the girl I was before. “What if I had only made a different decision here? What if I had done something else there?” All of these “what ifs” plagued my mind. I was a victim of life, a victim of living in survival mode, and when nothing I tried made me stop feeling like a victim is when I finally realized that I had a problem. This is what most people call “hitting rock bottom”.
The Future Didn’t Exist
I had no drive or desire to do anything because my existence felt void. After hitting rock bottom you are faced with reality “My life sucks right now, and I don’t have anything left”.
The world felt void of meaning. There was numbness of any positive emotion in my life and all the negative feelings were loud and clear. Any hopes, dreams, and ideas I had for my life were completely gone. Almost as though I never had them before. This terrified me and was the first red flag for me that I was in fact living in survival mode.
I thought about so many moments in the past that looked so selfish because I couldn’t see past the current moment of despair I was in. I saw my past self treat my husband poorly, I saw the double standards I set, and after I reflected on how I treated others I was only left to face how I treated myself. That was the hardest thing I had ever done. I had to accept the fact that living in survival mode was killing me, and I had no other choice than to transform my life.
When I realized I was living in survival mode, what happened?
This Was My Breaking Point
I was forced to make a decision, I was backed into a corner, and I always ended up there. I was done and I wanted out.
There were only two options on the table. Either I could knowingly continue living a numb, unfulfilling, and depressing life where I treated myself and my husband poorly, or I take control of my life and find a solution to these problems. One of these options requires practically no effort, and the other requires strength I’ve never seen before, let alone personally attained.
It would have been very easy for me to refuse to change and continue living in survival mode. It’s the only thing I knew how to do.
But I decided I was going to change. I wanted better for my family. We deserved better. So here I was, learning new language, skills, and tools to change my life. This is where the breaking point comes in.
As it turns out, you can’t fix years of trauma overnight.
Healing and growing simultaneously was something I hadn’t yet learned to do. Communicating to my husband what I was going through wasn’t in my wheelhouse either. I was failing at fixing things. I wasn’t safe and comfortable anymore, I wasn’t able to see the end goal anymore, and it was like I was falling through the sky without a parachute.
My husband and I had a near-marriage-ending fight when we finally had a communication breakthrough. I finally found a way to communicate what I was feeling and he responded with “You’re right. I’m sorry.” This exact moment was the end of my life in survival mode, but I still had a long way to go.
Living in Survival Mode: Resources
If you feel like you are stuck in survival mode and can’t find a way out, click the button below to access free worksheets I created to help you find your next step on your healing journey.
Follow my blog to read about what living in survival mode is like, how I realized I was living in survival mode, and how I got out of survival mode.
This post was all about how I realized I was living in survival mode. If you want more information for postpartum moms living in survival mode, stay tuned for the next installment in this series or visit the websites listed above.
Until next time,
Audye
Are You Still Stuck?
If you are a woman who suffered narcissistic abuse or are in narcissistic abuse recovery but are stuck in the survival mode patterns you learned, get the 26-page digital workbook that helps you break those cycles for good.
