I’ve spent the majority of my life living in survival mode though I didn’t know it at the time. As I’ve grown older and studied more on this journey of becoming a coach, I finally have the language to help me properly file away my life experiences. I can now learn from the past and grow into the fulfilled woman I was created to be. Here is part 1 of 3 on my experience of living in survival mode.

What Living in Survival Mode is Like

I Was Always Exhausted

When I was living in survival mode I could have slept ALL day and I would have still been exhausted. It wasn’t just the depression I was also experiencing but it was also the constant mindset battle I faced. I would always avoid outings or doing anything other than the bare minimum mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically because I didn’t want to suffer the exhaustion I would experience afterward.

My endurance in those categories was gone!

I hadn’t used those muscles in years. Every chance I got I would skip out on meaningful or deep conversations, I would use excuses to get out of family or social gatherings, I would stay home alone and try to keep my husband home with me.

Life was quite literally too much to handle and EVERYTHING zapped my energy.

I Never Had Enough Time For Anything

When I did have the energy to do something I never had the time for it. I was always searching for time to recover from the necessary tasks that were draining me. Work always took too much time, my personal life took too much time, and the few friends I had took whatever was left. I didn’t have anything left over for myself, let alone any hobbies or something that fed my soul.

I’d come home and watch “The Office” for the 100th time and pray that it would help me recharge in some way it never had before. I was numbing every part of myself.

I Was “Happy” Living in Survival Mode – But What Did That Really Mean?

If anyone were to ask me back then I would have said that I was happy. I would have said that work is stressful, I don’t have enough time, and my husband and I don’t really get along right now, but other than that everything is great! I’m so happy!

I didn’t just tell myself this lie, I sold it to myself. I sold it to everyone around me and I was convinced that I could truly be happy even though I spoke about my life in this way.

In reality, my life really was encompassing the lie I told and I thought these thoughts daily, “How could I be happy?” I love this definition of happiness from Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness. She defines it as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.”

My life was not good.

I felt as though nothing was meaningful.

Nothing I did was worthwhile.

Yet every moment I spent living as a victim of this I simultaneously spent convincing myself that I was having the time of my life.

Serving Others Was My Worst Nightmare

Imagine your friend, child, or husband asking you for help. It could be something like refilling a water bottle, parking your car in a different spot, or making changes to something in the budget.

When I was living in survival mode, none of those things made me feel good. I didn’t feel like I was contributing anything and everything asked of me felt like a burden. I didn’t have a sense of who I was and believed that what I contributed mattered. Instead, it was the fact that I was drowning so deeply in survival mode that anyone asking anything of me was an inconvenience in my struggle.

I didn’t have time. I didn’t have the energy. Why are you asking me for help when you know this already? I’m just trying to survive.

My Husband and I Didn’t Like Each Other Anymore.

I think one of the most eye-opening experiences I had while living in survival mode was that my husband and I had lost almost all tolerance for each other. It sounds kind of funny now, but then it was no joke!

We hardly found time for each other, and when we did it wasn’t spent well. It was spent binge-watching Netflix, arguing, or being completely detached from each other.

Looking back at it now, it is so incredibly obvious what this was doing to our relationship. But right then in the moment it just felt like we were trying to force something that used to work and clearly doesn’t anymore.

Everything “Good” Didn’t Feel That Way. I Was Numb.

The seldom fun things I would go do weren’t even fun.

I either don’t remember them well, or they left no lasting emotional effect on me.

For example, my husband and I would take a few trips throughout this time, or as a teen, I would have had moments that I thought should last forever, and here I was completely dismissing their importance.

Life just sucked when I was living in survival mode. There wasn’t enough dopamine in the world to push me through this phase. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Living in Survival Mode: Resources

If you feel like you are stuck in survival mode and can’t find a way out, click the button below to access free worksheets I created to help you find your next step on your healing journey.

“Help! I Feel Stuck On My Healing Journey” FREE Worksheets

Follow my blog to read about what living in survival mode is like, how I realized I was living in survival mode, and 5 steps for getting out of survival mode.

Until next time,

Audye