Your Hopelessness Is A Sign You’ve Lost Yourself
About 2 years ago almost to the day, I sat in the dark at my kitchen table, my third glass of wine in hand. My eyes were glazing over with alcohol and exhaustion as I stared a hole in the kitchen table. Our 6-month-old slept in the other room, my husband wasn’t home yet. It felt like all I had done for the last 6 months was attempt to make a dent in the dishes, wash dirty blow out laundry, cook, clean, and live in the perpetual state of being touched out.
I wanted to isolate myself, I wanted my extroverted husband to leave me alone, I was miserable and I felt like my life had no meaning. I was doomed to be covered in spit up and failure until the end of my days.
The despair and darkness I experienced were things I’d never felt before.
I had been diagnosed a few years prior with major depressive disorder and PTSD. When I had my first child, we iced the “mental health cake” with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Up to this point, my life had been a full three-course meal of mental illness, and after sealing the deal with motherhood, I genuinely thought there was no hope for me. I thought I would never find a way out. The happy things in front of me didn’t bring me joy and I resented myself for feeling that way.
At this time I had just barely begun taking a course called The Woman School Masterclass, and regardless of the beauty of life it incited, I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it. I refused.
There is no way to get everyone in my life on board with living differently than we ever had. I can’t get myself out of bed, consistently make dinner, or clean the house. Truly, I felt complete hopelessness. Why would I suddenly become a light in this world inspiring those around me to live better if I kept drowning myself in wine and hopelessness every night?
I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
The truth was, it wasn’t possible.
Especially as suddenly as I thought it was supposed to be. I was so lost in my own hopelessness that it would take me months to be found.
(Spoiler alert: You don’t just find yourself once. You’re going to find yourself over and over for the rest of your life.)
To change long term, such as healing wounds, a diagnosis, trauma, and generations of negativity, you’re signing up for a lifetime commitment. You’re committing to the idea that you will reevaluate and pivot and change a thousand times over. You’ll say yes to things you don’t want to do because you know they’ll better you.
Life will have meaning again, but only because you choose to give it meaning. I’m blessed to have had my husband love and support me as I figured out how to do so. I’ve worked hard to be able to say I’ve left most of these mental struggles behind.
This is how I found myself for the first time after being lost to hopelessness.
As I previously described, I didn’t think it was possible for a long time. Looking at me now, it’s obvious that it is possible, but hindsight is 20/20 and your vision really sucks when you’re stuck in complete hopelessness.
Below are 4 things I did that helped me find myself again.
1. I rediscovered my worth and what that really meant.
“You’re perfect just the way God made you” wasn’t cutting it for obvious reasons.
At this point in my life I didn’t think I had a purpose, so why would I think God made me perfectly in His image? Though it is true, I didn’t believe it. So I had to bridge the gap between my belief and disbelief.
I did this by starting to find evidence in the things I knew I did right. Little things, big things, it didn’t matter the size as long as I could find a logical justification for them that made sense to not only me, but other people I trust.
2. I changed my mindset with no promise of results.
I had avoided any mindset work because it didn’t come with a guarantee that something would change. There was no way of telling what would happen exactly, and that scared me. If I were going to put in the work and do something that would produce an outcome, I needed to know exactly what that outcome was going to be.
However, I reached a place in which I felt desperate. Everything I had tried continuously failed, and I was now I needed to choose between doing the same thing over and over or attempting to change my mindset.
I started with little shifts, negative thoughts turned slightly positive little by little, then suddenly I found myself thinking and believing a completely positive (and true) thoughts!
3. I set boundaries, again and again.
“Boundaries are just an excuse for you to be mean” a direct quote told to me from a source who will remain nameless. No need to spread negativity!
As you can tell, I didn’t want to be mean, and if I set boundaries it MUST mean I’m being a jerk. I’ll spare you the years of internal struggle I had with this and go ahead and give you the real scoop.
Boundaries are not bad, they are not mean, and they are absolutely necessary. And to clarify, boundaries are not rules you impose on other people, they are rules you declare for yourself.
Without boundaries, you’re giving everyone around you the opportunity to control your emotions. With boundaries, you’re choosing to be in control of yourself and the situation. Regardless of how someone else shows up to treat you, you know exactly how you’ll be affected.
4. I forgave myself for my life of hopelessness.
The last 2 years have been a long journey, but I wouldn’t have gotten where I am now with my original mindset. I had to continually forgive myself when I failed, start over, and refuse to give up.
I have found so much love, peace, and joyfulness in this life today that sometimes that time of despair and hopelessness feels like a dream. But, it only feels that way because I intentionally curated my current mindset to live life the way I was meant to.
Forgiveness doesn’t just end at “I’m sorry, self.” But it continues with actions. You’re choosing to make an actual change and treat yourself differently, rather than living the same life you’re tired of.
Hopelessness isn’t the end.
Finding myself again and ditching hopelessness wasn’t about one big, sweeping change but rather a series of small, intentional steps that brought me closer to who I was meant to be. From rediscovering my worth to setting boundaries and forgiving myself, every choice I made helped me reclaim hope and purpose. If you’re feeling lost, know this: the journey forward is built one step at a time, and it starts with believing that change is possible.
You’ve got this, and you’re not alone.
Until next time,
Audye
Quit Settling for Less
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